More than two months went by from the 6th of May till the 24th of July 2024 without recording podcasts. Then, while I was preparing to leave for a walk with Gem (my dearest canine friend) I got prompted to take my Dictaphone, because ‘something’ was coming.
And Yes, in the woods I ‘just’ pushed the ‘record button’, let it flow and with hindsight I can say that it was the kick-start of a new phase in life, a lot of upheaval with people around, emotional tsunami’s, letting go of patterns, acting out, expressing, withdrawing myself, holding back frustration, coming out of hiding, playing, dancing, singing and so on, which resulted in the start of Okeko Radio to let it flow even more AND publish!
I’ve recorded so much in the past, but I hardly publish… and now I realize that this is also a reflection of the traditional way of life of people around me, in short, getting not giving. Seeing the inconvenient truth of my attempts to DO something about that by sharing, helping, supporting others, to proof myself and hoping for praise for my DOING, acknowledgement for my efforts and being seen in my struggles, I totally forgot about ME, and BE.
The mover & shaker is part of ME. I don’t need to push it, withdraw and push it again if I allow the buzz in myself, buzz in my bee, all moments, with and/or without others. I didn’t foresee that this realization would bring me the unhealed stuff in my informed bio-energy sphere aka Cosmic Egg, put it on a plate before me, rubbed my nose in it, let the tears flow, made me roar like a lion and tremble in my bed until I said: “can’t have more of it!”….
Spirits Answered: “Don’t Need To... You Went In, Got Through And Passed”, which I got confirmed in a shamanic healing session without telling my story to the woman who gave me the session. The Spirit messing me about (or entity as the shaman called it) let me of the hook and the integration of the shamanic healing session took me another two months to allow settling, sinking, grounding, ‘just be in nature’, listening to birds, horses, dogs, trees, people, streams and hills, enabling me to sync, fine-tune, receiving energies-in-formation that brought me to a higher level of understanding me, the courage to be, then just be, then bee in the buzz of being on the wu-wei-way (doing without doing) and giving in to spirited prompts, forces, intelligence, flows of love and nudges to create, manifest, act, move, love, sing and dance, etc..
I believe it’s quite an entertaining intermezzo to hear the start of Okeko Radio in between listening to the various episodes of me expressing as a radio host, so here you go….
I’ll add a copy of the text in my journal, the day that I recorded the ‘to be or not be’ podcast. (24 July 2024)
I’m gonna post this, in my view, messy podcast to get over the remnants of ‘miss perfect’ character whispering in the background that I can’t ‘just’ feel inspired and express, making mistakes and share it all without edits while I know that doing the editing work to perfectly present what lights me up, the way ‘miss perfect’ wants, will take all the juice out of it and I end up not posting at all.
So… here you go ‘miss’; I won’t miss you at all!
If this is not a great example of how identification with a character (forced upon me in childhood, and for me… that is if I want to learn a profound lesson in life) saps joy and steals the spotlight in my showing up as me, I don’t know what is.
To Be or Not To Be; that’s the question
All action is acting, and it can get fixed in playing a role totally and permanently. No wonder we’ll invite reactions from other actors.
‘Just Be’ is in my view the middle-ground between ‘to be’ and ‘not be’ where I have a choice to express, respond and feel what’s going on in and around me.
I want to remark the nuance between a reaction and response, the latter asks me to engage and take part instead of acting a part. It’s a risk to take part, it’s stepping into the unknown, I’m not in total control when I dance with another body, because I need to surrender to the tunes, atmosphere, energy-field of the other dancer, soak it all up like a sponge and allow my body to respond. It usually feels great to engage, take part, play and respond, because I’m spending energy that fuels me, so that we can weave and reach beyond the known.
I’m Just Me
It makes me giggle when I think about the word ‘presence’ and feel how much I want to play with it.
Prǽ / pre from Latin meaning ‘before’ and esse (essence / bee) or pre-sence meaning before the senses, before the feeling/perception/knowledge.
How much playroom we actually have in presence… from ‘just be’ to ‘just be me’ to fake it, before we ‘are’ and present* (show up as) a character, control our environment by looking in a certain way, signalling others and informing them about the way we think/feel and/or act appropriately in our ‘role’ because ‘the boss’ is looking. Being present or not can have far-reaching results, I think about the power of witnesses, observers, journalists and whistle-blowers.
* a present is also a gift, an introduction or sponsor In Dutch ‘presence’ is ‘aanwezig’. It means ‘what’s on hand’ / what’s here / beforehand aan = on or before wezen= nature / individual / creature / essence / type (quality/kind) / be wezen= aard= earth and nature wees= be weeskind= orphan (kind=child) Denglish wees-kind = be kind (just having fun now ;) ‘wees braaf’= be obedient / behave 'Braaf' in Dutch and 'brave' in English don’t match because when I’m brave I don’t behave… OK I’ll stop playing now. The opposite of ‘aanwezig’ is ‘afwezig’: meaning absent / not here / not be af = ab = off / away from
Three days later I wrote in my journal:
I’ve internalized entanglements with mum/dad/sibling I had to be imprisoned by to survive and ‘make it through’. Disentanglement doesn’t feel good, that’s why it took me so long, but I was brave and let it happen, becoming aware of a lesson in life… listen to my-self, to become myself.
I Am Just Me
How remarkable that when I’m just me, I’m having fun and attract instantly the sounds that animate what I talk about in the podcast.
For instance:
At 7:13 I say “Who I Am is Fluid”, and you hear the water flowing in the burn….
At 7:36 I say: “If I meet you and you’re angry…”, you’ll hear a boy shouting in the background (8:40), he’s somewhere in the bushes of the woods, I can’t see him, I only hear him and you might hear my shock (the influence) hearing it while recording… is it magical? It (Spirit) confirming I’m in the right place and the right time? I believe it is… in other words Spirit is… with me, for me, to me… I am spirited and in a spirited body and when I play (let IT flow) I’m OK… that’s Okeko!!!
On the other hand, you’ll hear the sounds I repel and try to wrestle with by raising my voice. My fears are manifesting in the form of traffic noises and a loud tone to signal pedestrians that it is safe to cross the busy road. I can’t deal with the fact that it’s hindering my podcast, but don’t know what to do other that continue and apologize, because the flow of insights is NOW, the speaker in my body is working and I know that I don’t want to stop. ‘Miss Perfect’ in conflict with me. It did take time but the new identity (Radio Host) in me won! Glad I can be ‘just me’ after recording, pfff.
Much Love ♥
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